Daniel Pitt Medium

Today is world Cerebral Palsy Day. 6th October 2024.

 

The theme this year is UniquelyCP to raise awareness that a person’s disability is not their entire identity, and to recognise their distinct capabilities and strengths to help achieve their goals in life. Green represents cerebral palsy. Green is commonly associated with new life, growth, and nourishment, which seems fitting given the nature of cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy manifests in childhood and is often the result of serious birth injuries.

 

It’s now been 3 years since my formal diagnosis with Cerebral Palsy, as ridiculous as that sounds as it’s something that I have had since birth. I have come a long way since 2021 where I existed hating my body, speech, movement and impairments. Now I am finally in a place of love and self-acceptance.

 

My experience in childhood and early adult life was not one of inclusion, but often one of torment, ridicule an isolation. Ten years at school being bullied, my younger self heard the message that I didn’t belong. However, later in life this all changed, I found love, enduring friendships and acceptance.

 

As an adult I have learnt that it is only my responsibility to advocate for my needs, my happiness and only my responsibility to claim space in the world. Through the process of archaeology of Self, I have learnt much about myself, my parts, soul, core beliefs, and spiritual core. The whole experience has been a something that I am grateful for.

 

7 years ago, before my 40th Birthday I started to get in a real panic about my identity, being curious with the question of Who am I? The thought and feeling that I may not be showing up as my most authentic self, caused me a lot of distress. I have never wanted to be fake, superficial or a pretence.

 

For as long as I can remember, I have felt at odds with myself and the world, mostly within my social interactions. I had put this down to my experiences throughout my school days, and being bullied, for being slow, how I moved, how my eyes were boss-eyed, for dribbling and having a speech impediment. Later in life I would discover that the source of my physical and co-ordination issues was down to having Cerebral Palsy (CP).

The formal diagnosis was both a gift and a curse, as it explained a lot of how I am within my body and my constant fatigue and provided me with meaning to my experience of self so far, yet it also brought up a lot of anger resentment and grief on behalf of my younger self.

 

Through the journey of having individual psychotherapy and embarking on 2 courses of psychosynthesis, I started to become more self-aware, meeting my many parts, my sub-personalities, survival personality, and the nature of my will. The timing of my CP diagnosis was perfect as I had all the tools and support, I needed to navigate and integrate a better relationship with my body, feelings and mind. I was sure that I was on my way to feeling more my true-self and more complete. However, after a year, I still did not feel the sense of completeness I was expecting and hoping for despite expressing a much greater kindness, compassion and patience with my younger self with the new understanding I had having CP.

 

During 2023 a series traumatic events unfolded that led me to consider that I may have ADHD, I began to become aware of traits and behaviours I have had all my life but had put it down to my CP and neurological fatigue, I noticed more and more that I wasn’t coping with life, after seeing the GP and ruling out Long Covid, and Dementia (yes, I literally thought I was losing my mind) and spiralled into depression, it was suggested that I consider having an assessment. (The wait for adults in London on the NHS is currently 5 years (if you are lucky) so I just tried to be patient and investigated where I could about it. I discovered that trauma in adult life can uncover ADHD traits, this is partly why I had not considered it earlier, it never occurred to me although often joking with my husband that I must be on the spectrum. It was only when looking on the NHS website that I discovered that ADHD can be hidden if someone has Cerebral Palsy or Dyspraxia, this was a lightbulb moment to me.

 

The universe always gives you what you need when you need it, even if you need don’t know that you need it or why. It’s always at the right time, the challenge here is to divine the bigger purpose, what does the experience serve. Towards the end of last year whilst sitting at home doing some work at my desk, I heard a loud voice out of know where say “You know you have been masking don’t you” (hearing loud voices out of know-where like this has been a common occurrence through my life, always giving me some guidance, direction and heads up to something I need know). So not having any idea as to what masking meant and having no context I turned to google, which in turn took me immediately to pages on ADHD and Autism. This took me down a google worm hole. Hours or reading and consideration, doubting and the speaking with some of my friends who are neurodivergent. I decided to bite the bullet and go privately for an assessment to see if I had ADHD and Autism a few months ago, this confirmed that I am on the Autistic Spectrum, and I have ADHD.

 

Since then, I have been prescribed some medication for the ADHD which has simply been utterly life changing. The Storm in my head which I have had for over 47 years has ceased. I now know what peace feels like.

 

Unlike with my CP diagnosis, I have no anger. A part of me wishes the younger Dan had this information, in order, to spare him all the lies he told himself, about being broken, abnormal and wondering if he has a personality disorder. The years of anxiety thinking there is something wrong with him. However, my diagnosis has been like a light switching on, shinning in to all the shadows of my story, and joining all the dots. It’s enabled me to make sense of so much, and comprehend that I have been at war within myself……

We live in a world in constant conflict between our Soul and its innate nature to show up in this world as its perfect unique self, and our personality and its core needs to Belong. Our Ego and hungry survival personalities move us, to fit in, to run with the herd, no matter what acts of violence we inflict on the relationship between our soul and personality and the potential of the true self.

 

The pain I experienced was not the Soul itself, for it is in capable of being hurt, damaged, wounded or broken, it is pure consciousness. However, a lot of the inner pain, and deep loneliness I felt was due to the vast distance in the relationship between my Soul and my Personality. The soul will forever try to move us to a place of love and happiness, but it must wait for the personality and Ego, (our interface with the world) to become fully available to its influence, this availability comes and goes throughout our lives.

 

For me personally, my spiritual and personal development is now to consciously become mindful and as available to its presence and will as possible, not so I bypass the trials of life and the human condition, but to have access to this divine compass within me so I may navigate life in more sacred way.

Being neurodivergent, has its benefits and its taxes. I now understand that my innate sensitivity has been so rich and useful within my mediumistic expression. I see patterns, maybe in ways that a neurotypical person does not see, that’s why my way working is different. I understand that I am highly sensitive, within my mediumship I can feel everything, subtle energies and qualities and patterns and influences, when I work as medium my neurodiversity is a gift that enhances my psychic awareness.

 

However, outside of my working life my sensitivity can present in a way which is so overwhelming that it shows up as numbness, or a mental detachment, in these moments, I must work hard and quick to work out how I need to show up in these situations with the company I am in. Here is where I discovered that my masking is most prevalent. The fear of someone not feeling seen, heard or cared for by me, literally makes me feel like the worst human on the planet, it causes me a lot of mental distress that also manifests viscerally. Coming across as selfish is the worst offence I can think of doing. The energy and concentration to not present as heartless or not seeming like I am showing up, listening, paying attention is utterly exhausting.

 

Yet now, by fully meeting my whole self, by exploring both my shadow and light. It has helped me meet others in both worlds as their whole true self, the truth of who they were and who they are, and the influence that has on the people here who they love. In doing this work on myself it has enhanced my mediumistic practice.

 

When I first started me development as a medium, I would sit in my bedroom every Monday night for 90 mins and write down whatever the spirit world told me. The spirit world’s first lesson to me, was about the purpose of life and to manifest the practice of unconditional love. I spent so much time looking outwardly, trying to cultivate un-conditional love to the world around me that I completely neglected to cultivate the un-conditional love for my Self, body, emotions and mind.

 

However, now I am informed, I know the masks I wear to fit in, to be acceptable, to take the pressure off others, at cost to my own well-being. Internalising a sense of feeling less than. I am not alone in this practice many of us do it, it’s particularly prevalent with those on the neurodiverse spectrum. The likelihood is I will carry on wearing masks to show up from time to time. But my practice from now in all situations is to invite the question to my whole self about how I show up, “is this kind to me?”, “am I showing up for me? Am I acting in a loving supportive way to Self?”

 

In doing this it has solidified my spiritual practice; it allows me to be closer to the divine essence within me expressing itself through my lived experience.

 

Change, and growth will always create loss, resistance and sometimes growing pains, yet I am open to it. It may impact some of my relationships and interactions both old and new. But if I am to live life authentically to live from my own spiritual foundation, I must show up for myself and be what I claim to teach.

 

This experience has solidified 31 years of psychic, mediumistic and spiritual exploration. Being diagnosed with AuDHD, does not feel yet another label, a problem or disability. On the contrary, it’s a fantastic gift, shining a light on truth.

I am not broken, weird (well maybe a little), abnormal or crazy. However, I am different, wonderfully different, individual, and only by allowing that individuality to be expressed in the world will I know freedom and peace.

Like all of us, I have needs and its now my adult responsibility to advocate and support myself to meet those needs, if others have a problem with that, well that’s none of my business.

The world is full of individuals with needs, we all have them, some seen, some unseen. Spiritual practice is all about expressing love and allowing love and accepting love that is elevating and nourishing. If you can offer this to 3 people, one of them being yourself and then to 2 other people, then ask them to do it too 3 others including themself, then this love can be a wonderful contagious gift.

 

Go with love . and be mindful of the needs that exist in you and the world